How it all started: written Monday July 25, 2011

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The urge to binge is something that is very hard to explain to a normal person, how hard can it be to put down the fork, right? Wrong, it is one of the hardest things to do when all you think about is food and when your next meal will be. Though each and very time you have finally had so much food you can hardly move, you begin to hate yourself for not having self control, yet again. I never had this problem before, don’t get me wrong I’ve always loved food but it was never like this love/hate relationship that takes up all of my time and emotions.
Not until November 2011, when of course my quest to be thinner began as a innocent New Years resolution. My best friend and I thought it would be a great idea to do the Master Cleanse aka the lemonade/cayenne pepper diet/detox, whatever you like to call it. I did it for only seven days, but I managed to lose about 10 lbs. Society has never called me fat nor has anyone ever had a problem with my weight, only myself. To give you a better picture I am about 5’4 and I used to weight 132 premaster cleanse and managed to get down to about 120 on the last day of the cleanse. You see I know I’m not fat but the feeling I get when I weight 120 lbs or less is amazing! I feel that my body and most impotently my face look thinner and so much prettier. Those 10 pounds can make a world of difference not only on my appearance but my mood and outlook on life. But keeping the 10 pounds off has been hell.
Reason being, I am or have become a binge eater. I obsess over food so much so that it consumes my entire life. I binge then want to starve the next day because I can’t stand the fact that I will gain weight. today, for example I had my mother brings me Menudo to work cause it was all I could think about after a night of drinking and an early morning. I thought I would allow it this once because I deserved it, I was hungover why not. That was just the beginning of an all day binge that made me sick to my stomach and my mind. I also stopped at trader joes for some oatmeal cranberry dunkers that were so delicious and wonderful until I got to about the fifth one after that the next 15 didn’t taste the same, may I add each one was 90 calories and a big size for a snack. I also binged on a tuna sandwich, cheeto puffs, seaweed snacks, cinnamon bread, protein bars, and I had a big wanting for steak and A1 sauce, that if I would have gotten would have probably tripped my stomach apart. I was so full the entire day, I can’t remember the last time I was hungry which sounds like a very selfish and stupid problem. This is starting to happen everyday now, yesterday I binged on about 3,500 calories and again felt ashamed and depressed, how can I let this happen Again?
I really don’t have the answer and since I will not allow myself to purge I need to do something about it. Don’t get me wrong the idea of bulimia has crossed my mind plenty of times even as I lay In bed writing this, I am so full of food that I can hardly breath. But I have forced myself to believe that the purging has a lot of downsides and it will just bring more problems in the future, besides I live in a small apartment and it would be hard to hid it from my family. So that brings me to starving I mean cleaning/detoxing for hopefully ten days. I weighed 131 today the most since my initial weight loss 7 months ago. Though this is not the first time I will be going back the the master cleanse concept it always seems to catch me when I fall.
Thought instead of filling up my body with maple syrup I am going to try to juicing for the first time. I’ve convinced myself that it is better to drink vegetable and fruit juice than maple syrup. This way I won’t feel as bad for not eating for the next few days. But it doesn’t always end well, I always fall back into the hands of the binge. I hope documenting this experience will help me understand why I binge and how I feel throughout the process, and maybe I can help someone else who is having this problem. Yes I know 10 pounds is not much that is why I believe this is much more a mental disorder then it is a physically one. But I did look very fat today, so I’m not to sure.


I’m back

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I completely forgot I had started this blog to track my own progress and failures, which are to be expected.

So here is an update on where I am now. I am still dealing with BED, however I feel like this 3 year battle is coming to an end. I’ve continued my quest to find a way to overcome my eating disorder and think I’ve finally found it. It’s been a number resources my favorites are brain over binge, you are not your brain, the power of habit and my absolute favorite is before I eat: moment in the zone guidebook it’s on amazon and can be downloaded to your phone for about 3 bucks! Best 3 dollars you can ever spend I can guarantee that!

I won’t go into details now about the methods Alan speaks about but boy do they work! Now with that said I had been doing great for the past two weeks following Kimberly Snyders beauty detox solution and her principles on what how and when we should eat.

However today I have into the urges and had chocolate brownies veggie chips seaweed snacks dates and almond milk! If I wouldn’t of binged I don’t think I’d be writing this right now. I went over my old post and it made me extremely sad to read the heartache that this caused me and I felt like I wanted nothing but the best for this girl and acknowledging the fact that it was me is an eery feeling.

I liked having something to read over to gauge my progress so I’m back for now and I’m hoping this time will be the last time I post about a binge.

No binge Tuesday

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Today is day 3 since I’ve started this blog and consequently day 3 without a “real” binge. Today has been the best by far, I didn’t have any urges to binge and I was actually able to focus on other things and live my life. I haven’t had a day like today in months and I’m determined to keep it this way!

For breakfast I’ve been making my tea, when I get hungry, at about 11:00, I drink my GG Smoothie which filled me up until about 2:00! I was busy and didn’t feel like cooking nor was I hungry enough so I settled on a frozen banana spinach smoothie with some almond milk. I will never tire of this smoothie it’s amazing! For dinner I had 6 sushi rolls with some sweet seaweed at the park. I love eating outside while watching the trees and flowers and really wanted to treat myself to eating outside. I also felt it would avoid the urge to binge once I got home and I was completely right! Although, the sushi didn’t really fill me up since that was really the only good I’d had all day, so I felt like having some frozen fruit about 2 hours after. I didn’t have any crazy voices in my head while eating the fruit and it just felt right to my body to eat it! I really felt like I paid attention to my body today and to what it needed, I also nourished it with healthy smoothies and fruit which made me feel even better!

Oh before I forget I found this website through a fellow blogger and it really is a great tool to put you in the right mindset! I listened to a few of his prod-casts this morning and maybe they had something to do with my fantastic day? He also mention a book, brain over binge, which I’m dying to get my hands on. If anyone had read it let me know your thoughts, hopefully i’ll be purchasing it soon!

Here is the website 😊👍

Morning Tips to start your day😊

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Tip: start your morning with a sense of appreciation, like a thank you to God or whichever higher power you believe in! Acknowledge that you deserve to be here and treat yourself kindly! I like doing so by making myself some rooibos tea with some almond milk I make sure to put it in a very cute coffee mug (cute containers make me feel good and enjoy my food more)! I like to sit and look out the window listen to the birds while holding my mug gently with two hands. I know this might sound odd but what where and how I drink my tea really makes a difference to me and makes me feel good!

The morning after

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Good morning and good day,

I am happy to report that last night was a success and I was able to actually follow my own advice to avoid the urge to binge. I had a large mason jar of water and lemon juice and took a nice shower using a homemade coffee coconut oil Shea butter scrub! I love DIYS specially pertaining to beauty and decor! I had a very pleasant night and woke up feeling light and in a great mood! I love waking up feeling this way and should allow myself to feel this good every morning!

I even lost 5 lbs (may I add I did weigh myself after a binge at my heaviest 139😖) so 134 is still out of my comfort zone, but I’m not going to let it ruin my day or my life at this point! If I can’t be happy with myself at this weight I will never be happy with myself! I was at my goal weight not long ago and I was still not happy and struggling with my relationship with food. Therefore I want to lose the weight ehhh slowly and love myself along the way, I know that if I can do that, I will truly be happy when my body reaches its ideal weight which I’m hoping is a lot less than now!

What does “hungry” mean?

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This ties back to this morning’s blog when I actually felt hungry 👍 I’ve never thought about it being a natural message from a higher power, this really resonated with me.

Discomfort: Monster or Mouse?

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I found this to be very Inspiring! 👏

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